Saturday, September 19, 2009
umma, i didnt know you could hurt me lidat. my heart was torn into pieces. i have never once force you to pay for my school fees. i just merely told you what i wanted to do. i remember you telling me "if thats what you want, i dont mind. if its for your education, i dont mind." your words today killed me like a thousand daggers stabbing through my heart. if the 6k means so much to you, fine. when i earn my 1st 6k, i'll give it all back to you. i dont want it if its not from the heart. if i was such a burden to you, why did you even had me in the first place? when we fought, i cant help but think why do i exist in this world?? when im nothing but a trouble to you. it makes me sad when i think about you. 1 day, you can be very nice, giving me support & love. but another day turning into a totally different person. it scares me when you change. i no longer recognize you. my trust towards you was also crushed. how can i trust you the next time you are nice again? i start to wonder, is that what parenting is about?? will i do that to my own in future? will i be calculative? will i confuse my own by being 2 different human? i dont understand how you could do that. i can be so motivated when you gave me your support. but so confused when you twist your words. i wanted to learn how to ride a bike not to go out and be a wild animal at night. how could you place me into that category? i never want to embarrassed you lidat. never. my desire was to build something out of my own money. supporting myself. be an independent young adult. i'm always proud to call you my mum. but i guess not.
truly,madly,deeply_'
6:29 PM
Friday, September 18, 2009
"The Climb"
I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep goin', and
I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, but
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah
truly,madly,deeply_'
10:48 PM
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
YOU brought the worst out of me. i dont like the person i have become. who is that girl i see staring straight back at me? i dont even know who i am anymore. i want things i can never have. i do thing i shouldn't have done. im not proud of what i did. in fact its killing me inside. i cant help but think if i should have taken a different approach. but the deed is done. isit too late to make amendments? is the damage irreversible? i dont want to be putting a mask on every time i go out and be something im not. it seems okay before. but i soon realise that i got so used to it that i've turn exactly to that evil twin sister that i've created in my head. its eating me inside. its feeding on whats left of the true me. i have to snap out of it. FAST! before i lose myself more. i've changed. i've changed for the worst. and i only have myself to blame. please god, show me to the right path. i've made a mistake. please dont give up on me. forgive me.
truly,madly,deeply_'
10:07 PM
Sunday, May 17, 2009
have you ever felt like just disappearing or changing your identity and be someone completely different when life dont turn out the way you want it to be? everyday, we go through many obstacles, tricky situations, challenges and the list goes on. im in a situation right now where i cant think anymore. i seriously dont know what to do. I WANT OUT. but thats not an option isnt it? i got myself in, i get myself out. how will i know if im making the right move? should i be self-centred? should i spare a thought to whoever i might hurt? either way, i know i wont feel any better about myself. i want to fight for myself. i really do. just not confident enough if i will be able to make it and if i have the strength to go all out. will i chicken out? my self believe is as low as it can get now. what if i fail? will i break? will i still be able to stand up and march on despite what just happened? if i decide to spare a thought, i will make someone else's day. but at the end of the day, i'm back to square one. when will i move on and build something to call my own? isit worth all the risk? isit worth losing something so precious? gosh... all these thoughts in my head is really getting to me.
truly,madly,deeply_'
10:07 PM
Monday, April 27, 2009
okay. im back. ermm. nothing much. no. actually there's a lot of things going on. i've been having headaches. my motion sickness has gotten 10 times worst. im scared cats and dogs. weather has been bad. been having irregular sleep. and im one confused bitch.
truly,madly,deeply_'
11:34 PM
Thursday, April 16, 2009
why am i hurting? i dont know. can i be happy? i dont know. who knows? nobody knows. aniways... i might be moving to a new blog. MIGHT. haha. okay... so long.
truly,madly,deeply_'
12:05 AM
Friday, March 27, 2009
Don't remind me, I'm not over it. yes, i still blame myself. yes, i still cry at night. this sick strange darkness it comes creeping on so haunting every time. yes, i lay in bed yearning to feel something warm and fuzzy. yes, i still go home hoping to see her. yes, when i visit the toilet, i miss smelling and seeing poop. yes, im hearing things. yes, i cant help but think what could have been. yes, i wonder if i could ever meet her again. yes, everyday my mind will repeat every minute of that horrible event when she left. yes, i know you people might think this mourning over a pet is kinda over done. i have things under control. i do. but there are days that i just wanna cry and relieve myself from all the burdens place upon my shoulders. you can choose to ignore it. but it will still be there and nothing gets settled.
Tell me why you're so hard to forget.
truly,madly,deeply_'
11:18 PM
