i want to be the habit that you crave;

Thursday, November 27, 2008

you have succeeded in sucking the life out of me with your words. i hope you're happy. damn you. damn you. thats what i get for listening to my heart. aren't you happy for playing with my feelings. i bet you enjoyed every minute of it. how could you do it? ouh, i never saw it coming. but i still try holding on to silly things. i never learn. jeez. pain, make your way to me, to me. and i'll always be just so inviting. the fact that it's pouring outside, is making me more sick to the gut. i guess you're the man who cant be move ehh?? but nonetheless, i would like to end with this. "you never lose by loving, you only lose by holding back." so long.

truly,madly,deeply_'
3:11 AM

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

why cant you give me an equal chance? what makes you so sure? sometimes, i wonder... why do i even bother? i cant constantly fight a losing battle. but still, i cant help but give my all, hoping. i like to think that all energy spend will pay off some day. that it'd be all worth it. but i guess i should've known better. i lent my heart out forever and learned it the hard way. i tell myself, "this time it's different". Cause if my heart breaks, it's gonna hurt so bad. I really wish I could blame you, but I know that it's no one's fault. nono. i've got to let it go. start protecting my heart and soul. the little things abt you means a whole lot to me. when you smile, warms my heart. little conversations we have, had me thinking. sharing insider jokes, ouh so special. when we touch, sends chills down my spine. when you look me in the eye, keep your eyes locked on mine. when you gaze at me, my skin burns. when you surprise me, you're all that i think abt. when you're expressionless, i wish i could read your mind. your imperfections, it's prefect in my eyes. bottomline, when you're with me, i wish that time could slow down. it's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you. it's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way i do. and with every step together, we just keep on getting better. however, the one precious thing that i've been having for almost a decade is slowly fading away. i can never imagine living without you. and I don't think i'll survive this goodbye.

truly,madly,deeply_'
4:12 PM

Saturday, November 22, 2008

serial killer ehh? well, lets get into action. i've been eyeing my target for almost 2 weeks now. waiting for the right moment to make my move. ever since the news broke out about the Peacock Society, i've been putting extra effort in keeping my cool. dont wanna look suspicious. but i wont stop now. i've been waiting forever to perform the perfect murder. that fucker dont deserve to take another breathe in this world for labeling cher as one of them. what kind of man that you are, if you're a man at all. well i will figure this one out on my own. 7th dec marks the date where i will lure you to a motel for some "action". once i have you to myself, boy... you're in for a treat. and while getting hot and sweaty, i'll never forget my masterplan. which is to cuff you to the bed and placing a dry-cleaning bag over your head just like all the previous sins i've commit. even when i could have taken a different approach by giving you the typical head-shot. but thats not how i wanted it to be. i want to watch you suffer. i want you to feel the pain. i want to see the horror in your eyes as you suffocate. the truth may be hiding in your eyes but its hanging on your tongue. a long and painful death it is. on a recliner with Mister Potato in hand, i shall take my time to process every minute of your last moments. once your eyes have turned bloodshot, the deed is done. i will then fuck off and leave you to rot till your sorry ass has been discovered. all this could have been prevented when all i wanted is to be the MILK to your biscuit.

truly,madly,deeply_'
12:56 PM

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I'm going crazy. here i am again staying up late to complete project work when deadline is tomorrow. ifah just never change. but the best damn thing was during this crucial time when i need the help of every group mate, they just have to have connection problems. wtf. thanks. exactly what i needed. GREAT. now i'm not even half way through the project. coz im distracted by the thoughts in my head. and just needed to get them out. clear my mind for abit. so i can focus. i thought i know me. but i guess not. i thought i was strong enough to handle it. i've been making bad decisions to bad decisions. and its all coming right back at me. im feeling pretty shitty right now. i feel like SCREAMING! am i mean? am i self-centred? am i hopeless? am i too paranoid? am i that bad? am i a disappointment? could i be just hurting myself as a result? i can feel the pressure, its getting closer now. my head is screwed up. i swear i thought i feel myself walking funny just now. as the thoughts in my head are not evenly spread out. heavy on one side. there's just too many QUESTIONS and no ANSWERS. ANSWERS! I WANT SOME ANSWERS!! argh. just ONE WEEK is left of school. ouhh...how time fly by. but im not moving. how i wish i could be like a zombie or a robot. and just do stuffs that im told to do. and not have any feelings and emotions. just STONED. room is a mess. and so am i. i want things to happen but i'm never making any effort. HI, my name is ifah and i have issues.
-it will all get better in time-

truly,madly,deeply_'
2:14 AM

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

you're boring. you're so boring; i could die. now im more than convince that i dont stand a chance. even so, i dont want to. you think its that easy. no fucking way. you're just too caught up in your own world. everything is you you you. you behave like a gerl with a brain as small as a sperm, an ego as big as a sperm whale and down with the sickness i call isuckballs syndrome. except that you're a BOY and not a girl. well at least you're much prettier than a pig, but the wide nostrils, large earlobes and piggy eyes surely spoke of some ancient farmyard collision of human and beast. i'm not interested in fucking plants, flowers or pest control. i'm trying to work on how to tell a male from a female holly bush. i dont know what i've just said. but the bottomline is, you really do SUCK.

truly,madly,deeply_'
2:47 AM

Sunday, November 16, 2008

im just really turned off. im sorry if im giving you the cold shoulder. i cant help but hold back from you. you made me feel unworthy. like i dont stand a chance to be a part of you. but i will accept whatever god gives me with an open mind. i wont deny the time spent together. for that, i would like to thank you. even if it were for a day. but i will not let myself get to a sorry state. nono. not because of you. im not that desperate. i know one day, i will meet that someone. it just happen not to be you. im completely fine with it. its not as if it never happen before. and ouh... just so you know, i WON. you LOSE.

truly,madly,deeply_'
7:45 PM

Saturday, November 15, 2008

i lay awake feeling empty. under your spell again. i cant say no to you. my heart is bleeding in your hands. shouldnt let you torture me so sweetly. now i cant let go of this dream. i've completely lost myself but i dont mind. these four walls were not strong enough. i probably shouldnt say this but at times i get so scared when i think about the previous relationship you had. its not possible for me not to care. "am i good enough for you to love me too?" you make me laugh. you make me cry. i don't know which side to buy. but you made me love you. i can honestly say, you've been on my mind since i woke up today. could we just sit and talk awhile. just want to see you smile. feel your sunlight shining over me. one day, one day, im gonna give all i have to give to you.

truly,madly,deeply_'
11:43 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2008

hello. hello. my class today was cancel cause my teacher wasnt feeling so well. hmmp. and my grp mates was suppose to have a project meeting. so i left hse not knowing that the class is cancel. after taking the lift down, Gold called me on my cell informing that the class was cancel and that she didnt want to meet for project discussion. lucky i wasnt that far off to the train station. so headed back home. rotted at home for 2-3hrs. then i was off to meet Dian and Ernie at bukit batok. after settling some stuff, we had a late lunch at bbdc. then we headed to the birdpark. the game started at ard 0645 going 0700. we couldnt play at the picnic ground coz it was too muddy. so vijay suggested coach bay. haha. it was fun. i suck during the 1st half. and yaddas yaddas. dont know what else to say. before ernie send us back home, we took a group photo. and i will never forget the ride home in ernie's car! KECOH!! okay. thats it. bubye.

truly,madly,deeply_'
11:24 PM

Monday, November 10, 2008

hah. what a day it turn out to be. hmmm. i really dont know where this will lead to. all a gerl can do is dream and hope. =) im looking forward to thursday. to hold ball. hahaha. to practice captain ball of coz. for a friendly match at the zoo on 28 nov. against the zoo? i dont know. hhmmp. its been forever since i played that game. hopefully i'll enjoy it the way i enjoyed it back during secondary days. the birdpark clan has never been this tight. all the more difficult for me to leave. maybe i shud just take things easy. i shall try real HARD. so long.
-dont wanna scare you-

truly,madly,deeply_'
11:42 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2008

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush

'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging, spending time girl, are we just friends?
Is there more, is there more?

See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this into something that will last
Last forever, forever

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

Why do I keep running from the truth?
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think when you're all alone
All that we can be, where this thing can go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it real or just another crush?

Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying and trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
This crush ain't goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy
Goin' away-ay-ay-ay-ayy

truly,madly,deeply_'
10:10 PM

Saturday, November 08, 2008

halo people. i woke up today with a sudden urge to cry out loud when my mind and body went insanely crazy with unwanted mixed emotions. and to add to my misery, the thoughts of the unexpected that had happened the night before forcing its way back into this screwed up head of mind. it was totally uncalled for. i rmb resorting to panadols to sleep. and finally after abt an hr of tossing and turning, my body gives in and i fall into a deep sleep till the nxt morning. went to school early to have a short project discussion. manage to give my full attention through out the whole lesson. when the clock strikes 5, i was off to cineleisure to meet the ladies for a movie. ouh yes... i admit, i felt so suah ku. haha. but our movie is on the 0720 time slot. so it was still rather early. me and the ladies decided to head to an opposite shopping mall. dropped by HMV. there, we encountered a hilarious scene where this INTERESTING lady who was listening to some music with full of emotion! and practically sang along too. she's IN THE ZONE. gosh. me ladies cant help but laugh. when we took another last glance at her, her face was glowing with tears! WOW. she must have had some deep connection with the song. lol. ouh wells. the movie was awesome. its hsm3 btw. harhar. glad i got through the day. so thats it for now. so long.

me ladies. =)

truly,madly,deeply_'
1:37 AM

Friday, November 07, 2008

hello. hello. today is quite an exciting day i must say. work in the morning, fisbee in the evening and Vijay's birthday celebration. where shall i start? hmm. work was rather slack. its so boring. gosh. there was really very little guests who came. i ended up working full day coz Tini has to go for an interview. and i happened to be free. since my project grp is not having a meeting. and i stayed for the fisbee thingy. i can only watch lah. i was wearing slippers sehh! scary. even when i watched them play, gosh. so ON. if i were to play with slippers, DIE. after the game, my faded jeans will make me look as if im suffering frm serious diarhea and couldnt hold my urge. lol. it was fun watching. hilarious. -TO BE CONTINUED-
stop thinking straight due to some unforseen reasons.

truly,madly,deeply_'
1:04 AM

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

hello. wee. im happy today. happy. happy. happy. aniways i worked half-day today. and my counter was short of 10bucks! TEN! pantat. who ever took the extra change and didnt give it back, harap kau mati terkincit. aniways, vijay was nice enough to pay for me 1st. of coz i did pay him back. hope it gets to him though. sch resumes tmr. man... so lazy. okay. i suddenly was reminded of something. it happened when the bp clan visited NS. since its halloween, some of us had dripping blood on part of our faces. like eyes... mouth... forehead or something. but raidah had nose bleed. =) I KNOW! hahahahahaha.

truly,madly,deeply_'
1:13 AM

Monday, November 03, 2008

hello hello! oklah... why not i upload some pictures ehh? pictures frm way back frm 1st day of raya at kampong. and and... got myself my very own cammie! now im so on to take pictures. hoho.